Summer Existentialism

 

For many students, the summer months bring freedom but for myself they bring dread. For me summer is limbo, summer is purgatory. Even as a child I remember looking forward to the end of the summer holidays. Unlike the other kids I longed to get back into school. Back then it was boredom but now it's another beast all together, stagnation.

Some friends are travelling, some friends are interning, some are even graduating but I'm working the night shift, and the weekend night shift to boot. It's a transitional time for some and a transformative time for others but for me it's time itself. Time is but a stagnant lake flowing through the day. It seems contradictory, but it's the only adequate description I can offer.

Like my current view of time, my life itself is contradictory. I need structure but live chaos, I want happiness but choose sadness, I thrive in company but need solitude. It's a confusing time. A time that comes about when left with no direction. when left with no purpose, When left with very little to do but think. Life would be much easier if predetermined, it would be much easier if option wasn't a choice.

Side-note: This is actually quite a common phenomenon. Some business have found that when they reduce the breadth of products and services they offer overall sales would increase. I believe it's called The Paradox of Choice. It simply states that as choice increases we become increasingly disappointed with the outcome despite the potential for a much more desirable and personalised product. With little choice, our dissatisfaction is down to the lack of choice and is not our fault, we can be happy in knowing we made the best choice with the given options. However, with many choices we often become paralysed by the fear of making a choice that doesn't lead to the perfect outcome. 

Sometimes I feel my life would be much happier if I allowed a coin flip to dictate the decisions I make.

I'm feel I'm pretty good at thriving when thrown into an environment (well, after a "mild" adjustment period ) but when it comes to choosing a path, I struggle, I bumble and I stumble, tumbling this way and that way and I end up exactly where I started, dazed and disorientated.

I should make decisions early and often, refusing to look back. The problem with summer is, decisions take big deliberation but with little consequence. It feels that very little of what I implement now will have a lasting affect. There's not enough time to make progress in learning a new skill but there's too much time to just sit idly by.

Shall I compare the to a summers day? 

The sun is bright,

 the days are long,

 the warmth of sun doth soothe my soul

 

The breeze is fresh, 

the air is cool, 

On the surface, how wonderful

 

In summer I am caged,

I am restrained,

I am champing on the bit.

 

Let me free,

let me loose,

let me be of use.

 

 but here we are, once again

I have to ask

shall I compare thee to a summers day?